Whyyyy

It's the holidays now and I'm back at my family's home for a few days. Already feeling at home but things are different. My old room is now somewhat an office and a storage space... haha, and my dog actually wants to spend more time with me. <3 p="">
A personal topic came up that I thought we had cleared and it is kind of making me uncomfortable. I am an adult now and I am responsible and can do what I want... but growing up in a traditional household is so tough, after moving out, I thought I was released from those traditional views, but when I returned today I learned otherwise. Sigh....

Hopefully it doesn't come up, I just hate trying to talk about my non-traditional perspective on it. But I guess avoiding it also doesn't really help because it's something they want to be done and talked about... it's a challenge when different cultures are involved.

Anyway...

We had a holiday party with friends. All of whom I've known for quite some time and I haven't really hung out with them as much since the summer. I usually am socially awkward, or at least I feel that way... I feel like no one really wants to talk to me, so when I talk to them, the conversation doesn't carry, or their paying attention to something else, or they're really not interested. It makes me feel uncomfortable when I see the same person chatting it up really well with someone else. It makes me feel like I'm not adequate enough for the event, not someone who is socialable, etc... so after sulking for quite a bit (I take this stuff personally :() and reflecting on my awkwardness, I got up and started researching.

I googled articles on how to carry a conversation. I already know how to ask open-ended questions to make the conversation get up and going, but I'm really bad at remembering that. I usually ask yes or no questions because I feel like time is of essence, you don't have much time to think of a response... I am that kind of person who needs time. Perhaps that stemmed from when I used to go online a lot and chat with people that way, writing gave me a chance to think about my response. In real life, that's soooo different. So that's something I have to improve on. I'm also the kind of person who uses a lot of generic terms that can make things go stale. I say, "Interesting," "that's cool," "sweet" etc. a lot and it can really kill a conversation. I also have trouble understanding things in one shot, and I also don't know what clarifying questions to ask sometimes.... I use how interested I am in the content to gauge how I'll respond. It's terrible and so it's something I have to improve on. Like wrapping up a conversation you don't want to be a part of would be a good skill because then it wouldn't be awkward/impolite...

I'm also googling how to make people want to talk to you.... I think that's the tough part. I don't know if it's my body language, but when people who have known you for a while & don't really want to engage in conversation with you or start one, it worries me greatly.

Maybe I am being too hard on myself. But I want to be thought of as that person who was really fun to talk to/hang out with, etc. Y'know?

We also had friends come over yesterday to play boardgames and chill. It was much more tame as there wasn't a lot of people, but I did feel listened to, although I was the one who mostly initiated conversation.

I will continue my research, haha....

Right now it's half past 2. I'm kind of bored. I didn't bring my Kobo or 3DS with me, but I did bring my phone, camera and laptop.... I guess I'll watch some youtube for a bit and play with my dog.