Whenever I'm in a particular crowd of friends... and with my SO, I get this awkward feeling of isolation. We had a skype conference and the dominate voices were doing some talking.. I sit back and listen.. I try to intervene at certain times but then it feels awkward and it doesn't feel like anyone is listening to me or cares.
I always get this weird feeling around people that I don't know or people I do know. I'll stand or sit there, look around, and be like 'why isn't anyone coming up to me to chat?' 'why do I always have to initiate the convo?' it makes me feel like no one WANTS to take the initiative to come talk to me... I feel awful and awkward.
Then when it's me, and two other friends who are having a great conversation... one of them leave, then it's just me and one friend.... all goes quiet. They don't attempt to start a conversation. Instead, i try to break the silence, but I realize it's always me who breaks the silence, and never them. Am I really that awkward to talk to? Do you really have nothing to talk about with me? The other week, it was so quiet between me and my friend on the way home... and everytime I tried to chat, she would answer and make it seem like she didn't really want to talk.. agh. maybe she was tired, i dont know.
I'm not saying the world has to revolve around me. I'm just saying I feel left out a lot of the time and feel like no one really wants to get up and talk to me.. I always find myself trying to shove my way into a conversation, only to be pushed out of it... or so it seems.
I can have a one to one with a good friend, but I can't do that with people I've only known for a year.. what is wrong with me? Maybe I've just lost my independence... I've lost the will to try and be optimistic and positive after getting all worked up for a relationship.
even online conversations get awkward too.. did I just lose my dazzle? :(
am I jealous? I think I am.. or rather, I'm letting myself be pushed down too far..
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