Solitude

It's a good thing I have blogpress on my iPod touch... There have been a lot of blogs I've been wanting to write lately but I don't find the time or I happen to forget. This won't happen as long as I have mi iPod with me during commutes. Although using this method does tempt me to type in 'txting' mode... for which I will try to refrain.

Anyway I wanted to talk about solitude.
After a few years of uni, I realized that I have come to enjoy doing things by myself like I used to before uni started. This realization happened because lately I don't get to see my friends much since we are busy at school and well... I haven't had the motivation to make plans because of finances and transportation.

I've become somewhat a hermit lately. Eating lunch either alone or with one friend. I feel eatin lunch alone fives me time to relax... But I only eat alone because I don't really have great communication skills this year. I did eat lunch with a classmate for a few weeks during the first semester... all was fine, until my classmate started making friends with everyone else... then I just felt out of the loop.

It sucks not being able to go out when my classmates go out at night. I'm not that kind of person to go clubbing or to a pub... I have never gone clubbing either and I'm pretty sure after all the media coverage on violence I am not allowed to go out so late. Also, when there is alcohol involved as well, things could go well or worse, depending on the situation... and I don't drink either. =\ Not being able to partake in these activities has made me somewhat a social misfit you could say... I don't have a lot of common sense (anymore), and it is probably because I never really went out much before the age of 12 with friends. :S

Where am I getting to with this post? I guess I just wanted to explain that getting used to doing things alone could be a bad thing... I mean the reason why I enjoy it so much is probably because I avoid people so much that everyone I have is just me. Which means I am obviously missing out because I'm not trying hard enough to get a hold of the other. I have been trying... bit by bit. Lately I've been hanging out again with my friends... 1 on 1. Those are pretty cool but sometimes I find the hangouts just plain awkward. I've lost my sense of communication... I don't know/remember how to be engaging.

I feel like this all happened after being in a relationship. I don't know why but, whenever it's that time of month now, my hormones go into hyper mode and I get extremely angry, depressed, and insecure about everything. I realize the reason why is because I chose to be with someone so similar to me, it bugs the crap out of me and has started making me tone down myself bit by bit... to the point where I can't enjoy anything during those emotional times. I feel like I've been overtaken in terms of personality and socializing... I dunno, I always get this way when I become super close with someone and then I have a sudden feeling that I am a nobody... like they've sucked the life out of me... and used it for themselves. But no, that's not the case... it's just that I am so used to giving someone so much attention that when they start getting attention by other people I easily get jealous and then I have to gradually (3 - 5 years) build up my personality and control once again and 'start over'. Yea, it shouldn't be this way, but this is what it's been like for a while.

This is definitely not a reason to avoid a relationship... it's a reason to try to take time away and just focus on myself for now, to iron out issues and to socialize with other people. I know couples are expected to see each other often, but I don't think I need to do that right now. What I need right now is to be with myself and my friends. Sometimes that does work out to be better. Sometimes it doesn't.

So just now while inserting my camera's memory card into my computer... I just had an epiphany.  The main reason why I can't communicate well? It's because I am too busy thinking of original things to say... since what I usually do is just repeat things I've heard from other sources. Which, I believe, is kind of bad and also good, because if you're repeating what someone else said, the other person would most likely know what you're talking about... but then again, being original is good too except that usually when I'm original people laugh at what I said... when I didn't intend for it to be funny... or perhaps they are laughing at me?

This post is so long I feel like it was just a bunch of rambling. I'm just so unorganized right now I really need to hang with my friends. Greatest medicine ever.


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